- Sure, you watch a lot of soccer on the weekends. But don’t you feel like something is missing?
- We created an MLS bingo card to make your weekends even more entertaining
I was asked to do an MLS Bingo Board and my brain kind of broke. It’s like when someone says something broad like “Name a song” and suddenly you’re not sure that songs have ever existed, let alone had names. There’s just so. much. that happens over the course of an MLS weekend that we’re desensitized to. Narrowing that down into 25 spaces that range from “Free Space” to “I could see it happening” is a highly imperfect science.
I did my best though. And I even found a way for you to play along. Click on ‘Bingo Board‘ below and you’ll get a randomly generated board with all 25 spaces on it.BINGO BOARD
If you end up playing along and winning, just DM Joe Lowery and he’ll tell you the definitive USMNT roster for Qatar that he’s had for months and hasn’t released to the public out of spite.
If you’re confused about anything on the card, we have an explainer on each space ready for you below.
A RANDOM RBNY PLAYER SCORES
Who on earth is Daniel Edelman? I think Serge Ngoma just scored? Was that guy who beat us wearing number 67? Did someone named Reece Buckmaster just hit the net off a volley from 25 yards? Are the Red Bulls up 3-0 after a hat trick from Douwe de Graaf? David Archibald???
These are the questions we have to answer far too often when following MLS.
If you’re playing against the Red Bulls, there are pretty decent odds that a teenager or early 20-something will victimize your team personally and then you’ll never hear from them ever again. Go ahead and mark that space off the next time O’Vonte Mullings ruins your playoff chances. The Red Bulls are impossibly good at putting young players in positions to succeed as soon as they’re plugged into the lineup and it’s endlessly frustrating for the teams they torture the most.
We could have just gone ahead and put “Team stupidly believes they can play through Red Bulls’ press” on the bing card, but it was way more fun to find all these names.
VAGUELY INAPPROPRIATE ANNOUNCER MOMENT
Oh no. Well, that was kind of uncomfortable. Did he just say…yeah, you know what, let’s move on.
JON CHAMPION AND TAYLOR TWELLMAN ACT LIKE THEY HATE EACH OTHER OR ARE MARRIED OR SOMETHING
Jon tells Taylor that the only thing he likes more than soccer is the thought of Taylor being dropped into an industrial-sized deep fryer. Taylor responds by saying they’ll talk about it at home once they put the kids to bed. [Ten seconds of silence.] Jon begins an ad read for Audi.
DECISION THAT SHOULD GO TO VAR DOES NOT
In defense of the referees, the more time you spend on camera, the more the camera steals your soul. So. Better spare the players from being on camera *too* often. They’ve already lost so much.
TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES ON THE BROADCAST
MLS LIVE on ESPN+ is a wonderful invention that lets you see as many MLS broadcasts as you can handle. They’re all great in their own unique way, but sometimes the feed cuts out, sometimes the audio is non-existent, and sometimes this happens.
ABSURD GOAL FROM AN ITALIAN NATIONAL TEAM PLAYER
It’s practically a free space at this point.
SUPPORTERS’ GROUP DRAMA
Oh man are they fired up. They may even protest at the game. Unless the protest is actually what they’re fired up about. In which case they might be protesting the protest of another group. Look, what matters is they’re taking a stand. Although it should be clarified, they might be doing that by sitting for like the first 20 minutes of the game. It’s all honestly kind of unclear. But there will certainly be heated discussions in a Discord you don’t have access to.
CONVERSATION ABOUT LAFC IN A GAME NOT INVOLVING LAFC
College football fans will immediately recognize this as the “Alabama air fill.” Quiet game, nothing really happening between, like, Charlotte and Colorado…”Hey, how about LAFC signing Bale and Chiellini?”
TEAMS THAT COULD BE IN COLORFUL KITS WEAR BLACK AND WHITE
It should actually be a crime when teams choose to do this, but in this case it’s a very annoying bingo space.
Yes, the game ended 4-1, but real lovers of the game know who really won tonight. This manager knows who created better chances, who wanted to be out on the front foot, who didn’t get the calls they deserved and who really paid tribute to the game we call soccer or “football.” The rest is unimportant.
SHIRTLESS LOCKER ROOM PHOTO
Not only did this team win, this team is *hot.* You would celebrate like this too if you could but you keep finding the Los Tater Tots guy very convincing.
RANDOM MENTION OF A PREMIER LEAGUE GAME OR PLAYER
You know what that clearance from Lalas Abubakar reminds this broadcaster of? Arsenal winning the league back in ‘91.
Also practically a free space at this point.
ATLANTA UNITED PLAYER THAT COSTS MORE THAN NEARLY EVERY PLAYER IN THE LEAGUE DRIBBLES DIRECTLY INTO THREE OR MORE DEFENDERS
Oh! There he goes! Look at the talent on the ball! Look at the pace! Look at the open man making a run in behind! No, really, please look at him. Oh man, look at him. Dear god, he’s wide open, why aren’t you looking?! Look out for…..
Well, good thing you’ll make the pass next time.
You’re…you’re gonna make the pass next time, right?
Oh! There he goes!
CELEBRITY SIGHTING THAT MAKES YOU WONDER IF THEY GOT PAID TO BE THERE
I mean I guess Jojo Siwa could be super into the Columbus Crew? It doesn’t really seem likely, but we all have our vices.
RANDOM SHIRTLESS DUDES IN THE SUPPORTERS’ SECTION
It’s 70 degrees out so, you know, tarps off boys. For the team.
SOMEONE BLAMING WIEBE FOR A REFEREEING DECISION HE HAS NO CONTROL OVER
It won’t end until Andrew Wiebe stops spending the lucrative amounts of journalism money he makes each day to pay off refs to make controversial calls for content purposes.
HALFTIME TWEET FROM LOSING TEAM THAT’S LIKE “WORK TO DO [MUSCLE EMOJI]”
This team knows that “The hustle doesn’t stop.” There’s one more half to keep “Leaving everything on the field” and they want you to know they’re “On a mission.” Only 45 minutes to go to make up a three-goal deficit to Minnesota.
SOMEONE MAD ABOUT THE KICKOFF TIME NOT MATCHING UP WITH THE START OF THE BROADCAST
It’s a stadium where they also play baseball!
OH, THAT GUY IS BLONDE NOW?
This new signing looks great, where did he…ohhhhhhh.
CROWD NOISE IS KIND OF JUST A LONE TRUMPET
From fourth chair in high school band to the fourth row of a mostly empty MLS stadium. This lone artist is here to bring the atmosphere to this clash of titans between Houston and San Jose.
They’re playing all your favorites, like: “Esta noche tenemos que ganar”, “Esta noche tenemos que ganar” and that timeless classic “Esta noche tenemos que ganar”. Ok, oops, they forgot to learn anything besides “Esta noche tenemos que ganar”. To be fair, they found the trumpet in their attic a few hours ago.
They can’t all be gimmes.